1.     Tell yourself not to contact them ever again. They are no good for you and you shouldn’t continue down this masochistic path. 

 

2.     Five minutes later, shoot them a text asking about their day.

 

3.     Repeat steps 1 & 2 for 2-8 weeks.

 

4.     Cry. A lot. Because no one makes you feel the way they do and blah blah blah blah blah. Just keep crying. Hell, while you’re at it, watch a few romantic comedies to make you feel even more alone and hopeless.

 

5.     Angrily change their name in your phone to something more appropriate, like “Stupid Fuckboy” for example. Adds a fun element to this train wreck!

 

6.     Unfollow them on social media to prove you don’t care what’s going on in their life.

 

7.     Proceed to stalk them on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Venmo to make sure they haven’t started a new flirtationship with that Kylie Jenner look alike that likes all of their photos.

 

8.     Tell yourself to delete them from your phone, then don’t.

 

9.     Cry some more. But this time with a bottle of wine, while staring at old photos of the two of you, just to rub some salt in the wound.

 

10. Attempt to meet new guys but don’t actually give them a chance. Instead, be over judgmental and nitpick at everything that differs from the person you’re trying to get over.

 

11.  Post a hot pic on Instagram to remind yourself (and the internet) that you’re a hot commodity and any man would be lucky to meet your cats.

 

12.  Spend several hours aggressively typing up their (many, MANY) shortcomings in a three-page APA-style essay. 10 minutes later, go back to refreshing their Facebook page to see if they’re miserable yet.

 

13. Finally start feeling better. Turn that sadness into pity. I mean…they just lost you. You can do so much better. They’ll probably end up bald and alone. Plus your Podcast gets way more downloads.

 

14. Go on 7 dates in 7 days. This will definitely help you forget all about that loser. Mostly because it’s really stressful squeezing in one date a day for an entire week, so you’ll be distracted. But this will also help you open up your mind to the possibility of meeting someone new.

 

15.  Finally, delete their number from your phone. Boy, bye! (Don’t worry, icloud saves every number, regardless. But not seeing their name in your contact list definitely helps.)

 

 

Hope you get over that dickhead!

 

xo

Renee