How To Survive: A Tinder Date

This wasn’t even supposed to happen. I started chatting with this guy from Tinder who lived in France but was in LA for a couple weeks. That was all it was. He kept saying we should get together and I kept brushing it off. He would ask where we’d go if we did, and I just randomly came up with a location on the top of my head that I enjoyed. Milk. That little place in Hollywood that has ice cream, sandwiches, cookies, and a whole lot more things you probably crave at 11 pm, which is when I suggested this, strictly because I was craving it. A few days later he asked what day I was free. I said Tuesday. Because why not. On Tuesday I wasn’t feeling it so I cancelled and said the following day, Wednesday, would be better. He then asked a time. I said early afternoon. (Vague) He then went “alright 2 pm.” I say sure. Its not like we have a set location… I completely forgot I had even mentioned Milk, until I asked, “Want to meet at Starbucks?” Because I mean there are so many Starbucks, so I could easily get out of that one, but he immediately responded, “Let’s just stick with meeting at Milk and go from there.” Great. So at this point it was too late to cancel, so I went. And I survived. So Here’s my step-by-step guide to how I survived my first tinder date.

21 Steps To Survive A Tinder Date

Step 1: Guilt one of your friends into coming along and being a spy just in case your date turns out to be a serial killer.

Step 2. Tell yourself to be fashionably late, but then overestimate how long it will take you to get to the designated location and arrive 25 minutes early.

Step 3: Wait until your friend is planted in the building before leaving your vehicle.

Step 4: Walk inside and notice the woman working at the counter was the same woman who worked the day before, when you had gone with your same friend to scout out the place who is now pretending to be your spy, and wonder if this woman recognizes both of you and is wondering why you aren’t even acknowledging each other now that a day has passed and you’ve both returned.

Step 5: Check phone and see he is already five minutes late. Smile to yourself. Maybe he will stand you up and then you won’t have to go through with this.

Step: 6: Be texting your friend who also knows what he looks like and has a better view from her table, and receive a text that says “I see him. He is wearing red glasses.”

Step 7: Pause. Red glasses? Like the frame of the glasses are red?…or are they tinted red. Please don’t be tinted red. Please don’t be tinted red. Please don’t be tinted red.

Step 8: He walks in and immediately makes his way over to you without hesitation. The glasses have a red frame and… are tinted red.

Step 9: Go in for a hug, but then quickly be reminded he is French when the hug turns into that thing where he kisses you on both of your cheeks and just kinda let it happen. Right off the bat, let him know you need to leave by 3:30, which gives you a little over an hour. You don’t actually have to be anywhere.

Step 10: Go up to order. You order cookies and milk, because you’re five years old and he gets a milkshake. He pays. Except the lady doesn’t hear you order milk, so when she only brings you cookies and you mention the milk that wasn’t brought, she all of a sudden gets overly-defensive and states, “You didn’t pay for the milk!” Calm down lady. You say you still want the milk and pay for it yourself, already embarrassed that this lady had to make a big deal out of this already childish order.

Step 11: When you receive the milk, go the back to get a straw. Receive a strange look from yourFrench-red-glasses-wearing-not-actually-6-ft-tall-tinder-date, and not know why. Walk outside (because that’s where he wanted to sit) and then realize there was already a straw in your drink which he probably saw, and you grabbed a second straw, for absolutely no reason. Pretend not to notice. Maybe he will think in America we always grab an extra straw. Ya know, Just in case something happens to the first one.

Step 12: Try to make small chat and quickly learn he is not funny. Giggle anyway to be polite. Of course he hysterically laughs at all of your witty remarks, but that is because you on the other hand, are hilarious.

Step 13: Constantly think of new conversation topics because he doesn’t exactly know how to carry on a conversation. He’s lucky he’s cute.

Step 14: Decide to show him a Youtube video to kill some time.

Step 15: Regret decision when a text comes up from your sister that you can’t read from your angle, until he pauses the video and hands it to you, telling you he thinks you should respond, which confuses you…until you read a text that says, “Are you still alive?”

Step 16: Laugh nervously and explain your sister was just making sure he wasn’t a murderer. No response.

Step: 17: Thank god you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours, because if not, this date would be filled with awkward silence. Keep up conversation about movies because that is about the only topic he seems to have any sort of opinion on.

Step: 18: Secretly hate his movie taste. Notice that he seems to either like very stupid movies or extremely messed up movies that are about torture.

Step 19: He asks you if you smoke. You say no. He asks if you’d mind if he smoked. You say no. You do mind.

Step 20: Keep checking your phone for the time whenever he looks off at something, or while he’s taking a smoke and it blows into your face and at 3:23 decide you can’t take it anymore.

Step 21: Politely tell him you have to get going. Do the kiss on both cheeks ordeal again and hear him cheerfully say, “We should do this again!” Smile and nod. walk off. You will not actually do it again.