How The Cookie Crumbles: The Truth About Dieting
Okay, let’s be real. We’ve all tried dieting at one point or another. And the majority of the time, we give in. We have that cookie. If you’re me, it’s that cookie from Milk for the third time that week. However, if you are one of the rare cases that actually sticks to eating clean, well, I hate you. And wish I had your self discipline. Okay, well without further or do, this is how dietsreally work. For me at least.
How Diets Really Work:
1. Tell yourself you are only going to eat healthy food from this day forward. Who needs dessert? I mean you always regret it right afterwards anyway. All you have to do is not eat it. How hard can it possibly be?
2. Grab a salad for lunch as your first official meal on your diet. Mmmm, salad. Enjoy the salad. Salad is good. Salad is healthy. Feel full…ish.
3. Thirty minutes later, realize that you are still hungry. Tell yourself to just drink a tall glass of water, like Tumblr says.
4. Drink a tall glass of water. Nope, still hungry. Maybe if you had more than bottled water and pasta sauce in your fridge, you could have some sort of healthy snack to hold you over. But nope. You’re an amateur adult who can’t grocery shop for her life. You. Need. Food.
5. Run to Whole Foods. Nope, too expensive.
6. Let’s try Trader Joe’s. That’s a healthy grocery store, right? Go into the snack section.
7. I mean how bad could kettle cooked chips really be? No, wait. Let’s try veggie straws. They’re just vegetables in straw form… right? And if not, it’s not my fault, they lied to me.
8. Go back to your car and shove several veggie straws into your mouth. Feel better after you finish half the bag. You’re so healthy. This diet is a piece of cake. Oh my god, cake actually sounds really good right now.
9. No. NO cake. Wait, how many calories were in those veggie straws? Now you have calories from that dumb salad and the veggie straws and it’s only lunch? Oh my god you’re wasting your calories. No more veggie straws. Return back home.
10. Pinterest images of your favorite baked goods. Just for fun. Realize this is actually kind of sick and you should really stop. Continue this for thirty to forty-five minutes anyway.
11. Get a text from a friend asking to grab a bite to eat. Freeze up. Text her back Suggesting to get food from Tender Greens.
12. Friend texts back declining the offer. Friend wants pizza. Oh my god. Pizza. Remember pizza? You love pizza. No. No pizza. Pizza is bad.
13. After 10 minutes of staring at your phone with no response, decide that there will most likely be salads at this pizza place, right? They have to have options. You don’t have to eat pizza at this pizza place. Just because you’re on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t go out. You’re allowed to have dinner with friends and enjoy life. This is America.
14. Go to pizza place and look at the menu. Decide on a fresh garden salad with shrimp. Yea, that should be delicious. A nice warm…I mean cold…salad. Yum. Friend says she’s getting a pepperoni pizza. Oh my god. Pepperoni. NO. You LOVE salad. Salad is great.
15. Seconds later, the waiter comes over and asks if you’re ready to order. Nod. Friend goes first.
Friend: “I’ll have the pepperoni pizza, please.”
It’s your turn. Waiter stares at you, waiting for words to come out of your mouth.
Waiter: “…And for you?”
Gulp. You can do this. Just say you want the salad. Say you want the salad. Open your mouth and blurt out…
You: “PEPPERONI PIZZA”
Oh my god. Did you just say that? That was purely word vomit. Well you can’t really take it back now, right? It’s just for tonight, anyway. One pizza, that’s all. I mean you can just start your diet tomorrow. For real though. No excuses. Tomorrow you will eat clean.
16. Repeat process forever.
Well, that’s unfortunately how my diets work. Let me know how you diet!
Hope you’re all having a lovely week,