Okay I think it’s time I finally talk about this.

After several months away from the chaos that it was, I’ve healed, I’ve grown, and most importantly, I’ve learned a thing or two about toxic relationships and why they are so easy to fall into.

I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to write about this because, to be perfectly honest, I felt ashamed.

I was in an insanely toxic on-again, off-again relationship for about a year and a half, with someone I “thought I was going to marry.” I know. Not my best moment, okay?

This relationship was filled with manipulation, lying, gaslighting, love bombing, you name it…yet somehow, this person had convinced me that we were meant to be together, despite the constant state of anxiety I was in while with him.

He was someone who would spend every second with me and tell me he’s never been so in love one minute, then the next, he’d be booking a flight back to his hometown because he didn’t know what he wanted.

It was always sudden and gave a stomach dropping feeling I’ll never forget. Naturally, these monthly breakdowns would lead to us taking many, many breaks throughout our relationship.

Every time we’d end things, he would tell me that even if I moved on and found someone else, he knew we’d end up back together, because we were “meant to be together.” Which was a total mind fuck for me.

Naturally, I started to convince myself that all of the problems we were having were because of timing, not him. We were obviously meant to be together, right? Just not right now. Maybe… next week? Next month? Next year?

Let me tell you, coming from someone with bad anxiety, this was my own personal hell.

When we’d break up, I didn’t want to date anyone else. Because I knew we’d get back together. It felt like a waste of time. Though I went on dates while we were “on a break,” I never took them seriously or let myself give the new person a real shot.

All of my friends that knew me during my relationship with this guy, knew that it was all consuming. I became the worst version of myself.

I was constantly anxious, emotional, and insecure. It’s embarrassing to admit, but you guys, the amount of times I’d cry at work. Or start literally shivering with anxiety because I felt this person was lying to me about something. Or how many damn times I was let down in such major ways. It was truly SHOCKING that I stuck around. Everyone told me to leave, but I didn’t.

And I didn’t know why I couldn’t leave. Was it because I really truly believed I was meant to be with him? Was it because I no longer had a breaking point since he had already done all the things I previously said would be deal breakers? Did I just not love myself enough?

I think it was a combination of all those things at different points of the relationship.

To be quite honest, it took me a long time to stop hating myself for continuing to go back to this person who only hurt and caused me pain.

And if you’re wondering what my breaking point finally was, it actually wasn’t because of anything major. It was after months of not even feeling attracted to him because I was disgusted by who he was as a person, after all he had done to me. After the lying, the cheating, the manipulating.

One day, he had one of his regular breakdowns, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. That was it. I was over it. I didn’t even like him anymore so how could I possibly love this person? And that was that. I said goodbye and for once, actually meant it.

Once the relationship was finally over, I had to take time to heal and forgive myself. I hated myself so much during that time that it really took a while. But finally, I did. And being on the outside of it for almost a year now, let me tell you. There’s hope. You can get out and get back to actually being yourself.

With all that being said, if you’ve been in a toxic relationship or you are in one now, don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. They’re addicting and I completely understand why they are so hard to get out of. So talk to a therapist, a friend, a family member, and get some support because TRUST ME, you’ll need it and that’s okay.

xo

Renee