6 Pieces of Evidence To Prove My GPS is Trying To Kill Me

1. She tells me to ‘find parking’ while I’m still on the freeway. She knows there’s nowhere to park. Yes, my GPS is a woman and she hates me. She’s just hoping I will fall for it and try to cross the crazy freeway where someone will run me over and kill me.

1. She takes me through the most dangerous areas in LA. Okay, we all know there are areas you shouldn’t drive through in Los Angeles. That’s a no brainer. But my GPS says, hey, maybe if I take Renee through the scariest street in California to get her daily iced coffee from Starbucks, someone will steal her and kill her.

1. If I miss a left turn, she will tell me to take the next left turn, which is sometimes (most of the time) 30 feet ahead of the last turn. And she will tell me to do so just as I am passing it. So basically, she wants me to make a sharp left really fast so that another car will ram into me and I get into an accident and die.

1. She occasionally just falls. Out of nowhere. Given, this is sort of my fault, because maybe I didn’t secure her well enough. But come on. Sometimes I will be on a busy street knowing I have to make a turn soon and then THUNK. She’s on the floor. What am I supposed to do, try to reach down and grab her while I’m driving on this busy street? See what I’m getting at? Just another way I could get killed.

1. No matter how long I charge her, her battery seems to always be low. Or it will be fine, and then in the middle of the drive, it will say “LOW BATTERY: ATTACH POWER CABLE”. And it is not easy to plug her in while I’m driving. Why not just always have her plugged in? Well, I only have one cigarette lighter in my car. And I do have an iphone that, as you probably already know, is quite high maintenance already, so it has to be a good balance between the two when it comes to charging them. But I obviously would keep my GPS higher on my ‘important technological things I need on the road or I will get lost and never find my way home again’ list. So I sometimes do have to manage myself and find a way to plug her in. I’m still alive, yes, but we all know what she wants. She wants me to take my eyes off the road to plug her in and then not see a car coming at me, and then die.

1. Lastly, she has tried making me turn left when you can only go right. That doesn’t even need further explanation. If I ever actually listened to her when she’s asked this. Boom. Dead.

Does your GPS like you? Because clearly mine doesn’t at all.

Renee