How To Survive: Halloween Horror Nights

So you’ve heard of Halloween Horror Nights right? Basically Universal Studios puts on this event where there’s food, scary mazes, and terrifying creatures all around the park with weapons who chase after you. And I realize not everyone was able to go this year, but you may be planning on going next year…So here are some tips on how to survive this crazy, wonderful, traumatizing, might-need-therapy-for-a-few-years-afterwards kind of night.

1. Do not bring your children. Oh my god. The ages are 11 and up, yes. But remember when you were 11? And you still confused shadows for murderers and didn’t really know if Freddy Krueger was real or not? If you bring your children here, they will never learn the difference. Like “hey kids, no, no monsters aren’t real…now let me just bring you to a place that will completely contradict that statement and leave you with anxiety and irrational paranoia that might just ruin the rest of your childhood.”

1. Don’t make eye contact with any of the ‘characters’. This is how they pick their victims. Curiosity killed the cat and curiosity will make the creepy 7 ft tall guy from The Purge sprint after you with his chainsaw for 10 minutes.

1. Don’t enter the park by yourself. If you’re meeting people, meet them outside of the park. Otherwise you will have to go through many lovely situations you’ve only experienced in your nightmares completely by yourself with no other form of protection aside from covering your face with your hands hoping if you say “okay!” enough times, the terrifying creatures will leave you alone but they wont because they sense your weakness and realize there is no one else to save you.

1. If you find yourself alone at any point, do the third wheel thing with a couple you don’t know. I like to play the “I’m standing close enough so that people around us think we’re together but doing it casually enough so that them themselves don’t realize what I’m doing.”

1. Remember on any roller coaster you go on, there will be a picture taken of you. Now I’m not saying pose for the camera, but just remember that that awful face you made going down the Jurassic Park drop will forever be on plated on someone’s fridge for all to see. Including them. Every day. When they go to get some eggs for breakfast in the morning, they’ll look at you and think “Wow, I didn’t even know people could make that face…” And because of how horrifying the face was, they may instagram it. Where someone will re-edit it into a vine. And it will go viral and you’ll never get a date and end up dying alone with your cats.

1. Be nice to the gentlemen who stands out all night with a hunk of meat in his hand, yelling “Turkey Leg!” because the poor guy stands out all night with a hunk of meat in his hand, yelling “Turkey Leg!” and who ever really wants a turkey leg.

1. If you hate long lines, but love a good buffet, consider getting the VIP pass. Look up the VIP pass. Find out it’s $200 and quickly remember you are not Beyonce, you’re a part time server at a restaurant with bills to pay. Instead decide you love standing in line for 55 minutes because it builds character. And as for the food, just stop at an In N Out on your way home because In N’ out is going to be way better than some silly “steak” or “lobster”.

1. You will probably end up making a conga line at some point during one or all of the mazes because… it just happens. Embrace it.

1. Dress weather appropriate. Because god forbid you’re the person wearing shorts the one night LA decides to be cold enough for you to be the ONLY person wearing shorts whereas everyone is in full winter gear I mean calm down LA how was I supposed to know it was going to be cold, you think I check weather.com here? In LA??? 9/10 times it’s going to be sunny and in the 70’s. I don’t check the weather because weather is nonexistent in LA. It’s like being inside all the time. Except the one night I don’t bring a cardigan and am wearing shorts, I have to spend 6 hours outside.
2. My last tip is to be safe. Cueing my inner grandma isn’t too hard because we all know I’m an old cat lady at heart. So stay with the group blah blah and make sure you go next year so you can have as much fun and be as traumatized as I was!

Happy Halloween!