You know what I’ve learned in the past few weeks? A lot of things.

10 Things I’ve Learned

 1.   I have terrible hearing. I went to dinner with some friends and one of them said, “Renee, you’re being teased”, because there was food in our view and we were all starving. You know what I heard? “You were teased, right?” So I proceeded to tell them about my childhood and how I was teased in 2ndgrade when a girl shorter than me would constantly cut me in line for jump rope. All of my friends responded with a blank stare. A TMI stare that made me question what I should’ve questioned as soon as she said what I thought she said. “Did she really just ask me if I was teased as a child?” So basically I learned that I shouldn’t leave my apartment anymore.

2.   I found out that the “Gas” bill is separate from the “Water and Power” bill. And if you “don’t pay your gas bill for nine months”, they will shut it off.

3.   If I were to take up stripping, Usher wouldn’t mind.

4.   My neighbors probably think I’m a nutcase. I am constantly begging my cats to stop licking themselves, because they were just spayed and have stitches. The walls in my apartment building are very thin.

5.   I have become disgustingly obsessed with Pretty Little Liars and spend way too much of my time YouTubing thirty minute long theory videos of who A may be. It’s totally Aria.

6.   If there’s somebody toxic in your life, you should stop hanging out with that person. Because even though “He’s so bad, but he does it so well”, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles ended up having a pretty messy break up, so clearly he didn’t do it that well.

7.   I have a serious addiction to this sushi restaurant by my apartment and go way too often. Like I need to stop. But I can’t. Oh my god. It’s such a problem. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if any of the people who work there began to follow me on Instagram just to learn more about the crazy woman who eats at their restaurant four times a week. Does she do anything else with her life? I bet she has cats.

8.   Instead of telling guys you have a boyfriend when you aren’t interested, try telling them you have cats. And if that doesn’t work and they proceed to ask you how many cats, respond with, “I have six. We all live together at my Bachelor in Downtown LA.” I promise he will leave you alone.

9.   You shouldn’t have to try to keep people in your life. I promise the ones that matter, will stay there. And the ones who don’t, probably hate Beyonce and listen to Kidz Bop. So, really, you’re better off without them.

10.   Jason Derulo’s new song is insanely catchy and you need to go listen to it right now.