How To Be An Adult: 15 Tips
Get cats. No. Not “a cat”. I’m talking about the plural. Get cats and just fill your entire apartment up with them. Basically make your life a series of cat snap chats and you’ll be golden.
Don’t get any furniture for your living room. Instead, just don’t spend any time in there. Ever. It’s just a fat hallway as far as you’re concerned.
Get candles so whenever your apartment starts to smell lonely, you will quickly fight back with the essence of “Summer Campfire” from Bath & Body Works.
Play Enrique Iglesias songs all the time. But only the ones in Spanish.
Try to cook. And by “cook” I mean make food without using the microwave. Even if its frozen mini pizzas that you just put in the oven for 10 minutes, it still counts.
Spend a lot of time wondering if your neighbors can hear you screech along to “Somebody Like You” by Adele when you’re in the shower. And if they secretly enjoy it. (I mean they obviously do, but I’m trying to sound modest)
Tell yourself you totally understand how to fill out your tax forms when you are doing paperwork for your new job, get a call later hearing that you did it totally wrong, and redo the paperwork a few days later.
Be confident on the road. And by “be confident”, I mean slowly develop road rage.
While you’re trying to fall asleep, notice a very scary bug in your bed and realize there’s no one around to kill it but you. Time to be an adult. Gather up courage, smack it with a roll of paper towels and dispose of the evidence. Google the bug. Find out it’s a common insect in California called a “Silverfish”. Common. COMMON. Think to yourself that there might be more in your apartment. Stay awake all night concerned that it’s family may be watching and seeking revenge.
Go to the grocery store and buy veggie burgers. Accidentally buy pizza veggie burgers, which aredisgusting, and never eat them. But keep the entire box in your freezer to take up space.
Read a lot, because it’s fun and you make the time for it. Not because you don’t leave your apartment and spend all of your time taking pictures of your cats.
Tell yourself that a Venti iced hazelnut coffee from Starbucks is not breakfast and tomorrow you will not treat it as so. Repeat daily.
Have trouble sleeping at night because your new cats enjoy jumping on your head at 3 am.
Realize you don’t own a vacuum. Tell yourself you need one, but never actually get one.
And lastly, Google everything. Because though I can’t teach you everything about being an adult, the Internet can.
Hope you enjoyed these tips and are having a very Educational Week.
Happy Hump Day!