HOW TO SURVIVE: BEING SICK AS AN ADULT
1. Fall in and out of sleep every few hours. Every time you awake up, forget what day it is, realize you don’t care enough to search the bed for your phone to find out, and fall back asleep.
2. Pop DayQuil like it’s going out of style. Just kidding. Only 2, every 4 to 6 hours.
3. Feel hot then cold. Then hot then cold again. Realize this is a fever. You have a fever. You cannot be around other people for at least 24 hours. Good thing you have no friends. Just cats.
4. Become hungry, but not enough to leave your bed. Spend an hour deciding what to do. Fall back asleep. Wake up again. Take another thirty minutes. Realize you live in a city and there is delivery. Order delivery.
5. Watch a terrible RomCom starring the guy from John Tucker Must Die. Hate each minute of the movie, yet watch the entire thing anyway. Afterwards, wish you had just watched John Tucker Must Dieinstead.
6. Play one of your current playlists on Spotify. Immediately turn it off because it’s giving you a headache. Go back to sleep.
7. Wake up incredibly thirsty but have that sore throat that makes you not want to drink anything. So, don’t. Instead, remain thirsty and uncomfortable.
8. Regret not getting your cats spayed last month, and suffer through them screeching to the male cats (that seem to be as nonexistent as the current men in your life) out the window at all hours of the night. Because obviously you didn’t really want to sleep.
9. Hours later. One of the cats is still meowing. Consider leaving cat on neighbor’s doorstep in the middle of the night. Just like Harry Potter. Or maybe rent a separate apartment just for cat. Or maybe, get married. Get divorced, let father take custody of cat. Realize this is your sick brain talking. Fall back asleep.
10. Wake up bored. Catch up on Pretty Little Liars and be like seriously though, who the f*** is A? Spend two hours watching YouTube videos about theories on who ‘A’ is. Realize you just spent two hours watching YouTube videos about theories on who ‘A’ is. Go back to sleep.
11. Wake up. Blow nose. Go back to sleep.
12. Dream about drinking water and having that thing called “energy” again. Wake up from wonderful dream and realize your throat still hurts and you still don’t want to move. Instead, stare at the wall and feel bad for yourself.
13. Repeat steps 1-12 until you’re well enough to look at your phone and realize it’s been three days and you need to get your life together. Spend the next week trying to do so.